In The buzz cutwe bring you a roundup of news you wish weren’t news.
New platitudes on Women’s Day liberate women from all hope
A new dawn for women’s rights has dawned this week. Women were treated to a deluge of “hello superwoman” messages as they opened their eyes, followed by discounts on kitchen appliances and advice from multi-millionaires on work more. The dazzling new changes have turned society upside down. After a lot of activism and pain, brands have finally figured out what women want: unsolicited advice, wishes and vibes. The abundance of these in a single day was enough to defeat the patriarchy overnight. A particular e-commerce brand went far enough to pay homage to the working-class roots of International Women’s Day: it offered discounts on mixers and beaters, perhaps as a feminist ode to the more masculine hammer and sickle. And just like that, the sexism disappeared without a trace – as did the wrinkles in the skin, the stains in the clothes, and the puffiness in the clothes – all with a lifelong reduction in hope.
Billionaire Tech Lord and communist artist have another child, name fears being hit as NFT
A happy couple welcomed their second child recently. This union of capitalism and communism is not a glitch in the matrix, as the representatives of the couple promised. Speculation has arisen as to the baby’s name this time around; some suggesting that regardless, it will be so unique that it will be minted as a non-fungible token. Rumor has it that the unique algorithm that will store the baby’s name is the name itself. Apparently, anyone who wants to call or refer to the child in any way will first have to race to solve a unique math problem using supercomputers. All of this would rule out the possibility of the name being stolen or used unfairly.
Regency Drama Successfully Decolonizes With Indian Family Saga Song
Popular regency drama which romanticizes a time when England was busy colonizing the world made up for that awkward detail with a nifty little addition. It will feature a South Asian character in its next season and, in his honor, will feature a popular Hindi song that romanticized a time in India when people started going abroad a lot. With events having come full circle in this way, colonialism has been #undone and all should be well again at The Ton.
Tech-sis releases crypto music videos, ushers in techno-dystopia
One of tech’s biggest villain sisters launched music videos in praise of cryptocurrency. Not much is known about the project other than that it’s a big one to “build the inclusive universe,” according to its Twitter. Amidst confusion and bewilderment, experts confirmed that it was neither a parallel universe nor a simulation. Cryptobros, on the other hand, aren’t sure what to make of this particular mark of approval.
Model’s Instagram caption turns into world map as magazine claims Palestine doesn’t exist
After a model pledges her support for war aid in Ukraine and Palestine, a Fashion magazine deleted this last detail in their report on the same. They effectively turned the legend into a global geopolitical map, where other countries also like to pretend that Palestine doesn’t exist. As a magazine committed to upholding beauty standards, it was world famous for speaking truth to power. The last failure, where she continued to defend the status quowas therefore not so much of a surprise.